Returning to Dr. Trumbull’s observation that relationships created by covenants are more binding even than relationships by birth (“blood is thicker than water”), we find a similar idea in the gospel. Christ stated “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me”. (Matt. 10:37)
In addition to the Savior, we also have a covenantal relationship with our spouse. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” (Moses 3:24, Gen. 2:24, Eph. 5:31, Matt. 19:5) Husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it (Eph. 5:25). In light of our discussion of covenants does the Lord’s intention for marriage take on added significance?
So important is marriage that we are taught that we cannot be exalted without entering into the ‘new and everlasting covenant’ of eternal marriage (D&C 132:4,7)
God married Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. In God’s eyes, it was not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). Only a woman could complete what was missing. Together they were the “image of God” (Gen. 1:27). “Neither is the man without the woman nor the woman without the man in the lord.” (1 Corinthians 11:11)
The story of Eve’s creation is allegorical, not literal. Her being created “from a rib” from Adam’s side (Gen. 2:21-23) shows us how she is to be regarded. As part of him. The two are to become one. Adam referred to his marriage as “the woman thou gavest me, and commandest that she should remain with me” (Moses 4:18; italics added). We should strive for a “remain with me” marriage.
Throughout history, women have probably been much more successful overall in meeting their obligations as wives and mothers than men have as husbands and fathers. Many women have patiently ministered in love and righteousness for years to a difficult, even “churlish” husband, as did Abigail (1 Sam. 25:3). But either partner can make a marriage relationship difficult.
One young bride joyfully exclaimed on her wedding day, “Oh, mother, isn’t it wonderful? Finally, I am at the end of my troubles.” To which her mother wisely replied, “Yes dear, but which end?” The mother understood that the fairy tale where the prince slays the dragon and rescues the princess and lives happily ever after is just that—a fairy tale.
There must be an opposition in all things. Eve asked, “Is there no other way?” The answer. There is no other way. But there is a joy awaiting us on the other side of the opposition. Joy, which comes in no other way. It isn’t easy. Wasn’t meant to be. Do we expect to share in Christ’s glory without also tasting something of his sufferings as well?
Relationships with our family are potentially the source of our greatest joy and fulfillment and also our greatest sorrow and heartache. One of my wife’s professors at BYU used to say, “You either married or gave birth to your greatest trial.” This is so true.
It is in these very difficulties that we find the opportunity to develop and learn Christ-like devotion, even charity. Nowhere is there greater chance to develop our capacity to love, bless, forgive and serve than in our own families.
Some time ago, I learned of a mother who had several daughters. All but one were active in the church, several served missions, married in the temple and started righteous families of their own. The youngest daughter, however, took a completely opposite course with her life. Her decisions and the consequences of those decisions brought much heartache and grief to her mother. For years this mother struggled to help her youngest daughter. Through this process the mother’s soul was stretched and grew. Later, in a moment of reflection she stated, “I am so grateful for my youngest daughter. If I have any chance of developing a celestial character it will be because of her. Because of her, I have learned to give up my pride. Because of her, I have learned what it means to truly love another with charity.”
Many are in heartbreaking marriages and situations. Men and women who are worthy and keep the faith will suffer no loss because of a failing spouse. Nor will anyone be stuck for eternity in an awful relationship that they don’t desire. Such relationships will not last. Our temple sealings are conditioned upon our faithfulness. The marriage must become something worth preserving.
A good test is this simple question: If my spouse could still have his/her children without me in his/her life, would they still want to have me there? If the answer to that question is not a resounding yes, then perhaps we have some work to do.
Perhaps nothing has blessed my marriage more than weekly temple attendance. It is changing my life, and, in turn, blessing my marriage. Next to the Savior, my wife is the greatest blessings in my life. She is truly a comfort, my help-meet and my best friend. It is my greatest desire that we may live in such a manner that our marriage might be sealed eternally by the Holy Spirit of Promise (D&C 132:19). Joseph taught this will bless our posterity as well. “When a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” (TPJS 321).
A great key to developing celestial relationships came to me from an unexpected source.
One of my children has struggled for the past six years. Growing up we enjoyed a very close relationship. Despite all of our efforts to help her, as a teenager she began making choices that were not in her best interest and not in harmony with the gospel or how she was raised. These choices have brought heartache to her and to us as parents. At one point, her life was in such a downward, destructive spiral we felt we needed help.
We turned to a wilderness program in Arizona called Anasazi. Originally developed at BYU, the Anasazi program takes troubled teens into the wilderness for six weeks where they are taught survival skills and important principles and gospel concepts through nature. It is rather amazing. Most of the young people entering this program have serious problems with drugs, immorality, or other self-destructive behaviors. Six weeks later, many leave the trail with miraculous changes in their lives.
What surprised me was Anasazi’s focus. They don’t focus on the specific behaviors at issue but rather on helping the teen have a change of heart.
They talk about having a ‘heart at war’ vs. a ‘heart at peace’.
Most of these young people enter the program with anger, bitterness, frustration, and rage in their hearts. They feel victimized and blame others for their problems. Many hold pain from damaged relationships. They have hearts at war.
President Benson, years ago in his talk on pride identified the core of pride as being enmity with God and enmity with our fellow man. Enmity means a state of opposition, antagonism or hostility towards. He identified pride as the great stumbling block to Zion. A heart filled with pride is a heart at war.
The good news is that we can choose how our hearts will be.
The opposite of a heart at war is a heart at peace. The savior described himself as meek and lowly at heart. He had a heart at peace even in great adversity. He had a heart filled with humility and with charity. Mormon speaks to those followers of Christ that “have obtained a sufficient hope by which ye can enter into the rest of the Lord, from this time henceforth until ye shall rest with him in heaven. And now my brethren, I Judge these things of you because of your peaceable walk the children of men.” (Moroni 7:3-4, emphasis added)
Well why does my heart matter? Because as Alma tells us that what you send out will return to you again (Alma 41:15). If my heart is at war, it often provokes war in the hearts of others. If my heart is at peace, it invites others to have peace as well.
A few days after returning from Anasazi, one of my other children made a poor choice and did something that she shouldn’t have done. Now, she rarely needs to be corrected. So this particular choice was not typical of her behavior. However, it upset me because it was something I had specifically told her not to do. I was hurt and angry by the situation. I gave her a father’s blessing, a.k.a. a stern lecture and an appropriate punishment to fit the crime (i.e. she was grounded for the next day.) Now, I want to clarify a few things. I wasn’t yelling at her and nothing that I said was inappropriate or incorrect. The punishment I gave was also probably appropriate. However, at the time my heart was at war and not in the right place. The result was that she became defensive and a little defiant and tried to justify her poor choice. She angrily left the room feeling like I was being a jerk. And she was right.
Having just returned from Anasazi though, I asked myself the question: Is my heart at war or is my heart at peace towards my daughter. I realized that my heart was not in the right place. I was responding more to my hurt and anger than from an honest effort and desire to help my daughter. So after giving a little time for the emotions to subside, I tried to put myself in her shoes for a few minutes. I realized there were some things in her life that she was struggling with and were hard for her and that probably influenced her choice. I went down to her room and as I entered I could see that there was still anger in her eyes. However, once I started to explain that I understood such-and-such a situation and some of the challenges she was facing, her heart immediately softened. She responded by stating what a dumb choice she had made and she was sorry about it and was happy to be grounded.
Now what was the difference? In both scenarios there was a behavior that needed to be corrected and there was an appropriate consequence. But when my heart was in the right place it helped my daughter to learn and grow from the experience rather than resisting it. And our relationship was strengthened in the process.
Virtually anything in life can be done with a heart at war or a heart at peace. Compare for example the heart of Captain Moroni who did not desire to be a man of blood and did not desire to slay his brethren the Lamanites but did so to protect their families, land, liberty, and freedom. Captain Moroni went to battle with a heart at peace. He showed it when he spared the defeated Lamanites and allowed them to depart with a promise of peace.
When we change ourselves, we invite those around us to change as well. We should ask ourselves: how have I contributed to this situation? The great news is that this is something we have complete control over. There are really only three things we do control: what we think, what we say, and what we do. But in those three things is great power for change.
Is there anyone in your life toward whom you have a heart at war? If so how can you come to have a heart of peace? The savior stated “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.” (3 Nephi 11:39-30)
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